Monday, June 11, 2012

Past couple of days...

The past couple of days have been hard on me, I like to blame it all on my hormones right now... but I think I have hit a low lately. Monday always brings me lots of phone calls to be made, or things that need to get done. Today I went to our church to sign the girls up for VBS. And of course while I was there I broke down. Then Mason had a speech meeting with the public school system, and in the meeting I broke down. My thoughts the past few days have been running a mile a minute.... and I feel like I can't stop thinking. I feel like I am back in that place when Kaylie was first diagnosed with all this. I knew surgery was going to be recommended.... but until it is actually told to you... I think you always have this small, inkling of hope. I know she needs this surgery. I know that is has a huge possibility of making her more comfortable.... but I am so scared!!! I sit here thinking what am I going to do when she is crying in the hospital bed, because she hurts, and there is nothing I can do but hold her. I worry that she will loose trust in me.... because I have always told her I will never let anything hurt her. I'm scared of the actual surgery and all the risks. I'm scared for my other two children.... and that they have a possibility of having this. I hate the fact that I go to bed at night, wake up and this whole ordeal is still here. I just need to find my strength again.... and continue fighting for her! Sorry... but I have told y'all all before... writing is my best release!

On other notes... My school. A lot has gone on since I dropped that A&P class. A lot of details I just don't want to go into. But... it all came down to me having to meet with the Support Services at school, and I had told them I didn't think I would be able to take the A&P class that I enrolled in for the Fall. But I was told they would suggest I think about taking the semester off... I told them I was interested in at least taking two classes... but they then really suggested the one. So after signing some papers that I will meet with them before the spring semester.... I will only be taking my Overview to Nursing class this fall. I was really upset when I left the school.... because I have worked so hard to get to where I was at in school. And believe me my kids will always come first.... it just hurts. I'm sure it is for the best... :/

I referred Kaylie to Make A Wish. They have to talk to the doctors first before deciding if they will grant her a wish, so we will see. I was thinking there really needs to be a wish grant type organization out there for parents!!! To grant relaxing vacations after you get over some of the medical hurdles... just for you and your spouse. Maybe I will start something like that. I will start thinking of some names! I am so grateful or Ben.... and how he has handled all this! Medical issues become a huge reason why spouses get divorces. When Kaylie was first diagnosed... on the way home in the car from that appointment.... I told him we had to make a promise to each other that we would NOT let this come between us. And we haven't! I think it has brought us closer. There are a couple moms from the groups I read, and their husbands have left them... all over this. I feel so bad for them, because I can't imagine facing this alone.

Well.... I am feeling a lot better now! And to the wonderful ladies that I saw today... sorry for all the water works!!! Just one of those days!


  1. We love you, Amber! You and your strength inspires me. I hope to be half the mother you are one day! Remember we are always here for you. Please let us know if there is ever anything we can do! I am collecting tabs for KayKay!

  2. Collecting tabs here too! So sorry for your low day Amber. I didn't have the chance to comment then, but definitely prayed for you that day! I hate that you have to put school on hold, hang in there. It will happen in God's perfect time. Easy for me to say. HARD to accept and do. Continuing to pray...