The past couple of days have been hard on me, I like to blame it all on my hormones right now... but I think I have hit a low lately. Monday always brings me lots of phone calls to be made, or things that need to get done. Today I went to our church to sign the girls up for VBS. And of course while I was there I broke down. Then Mason had a speech meeting with the public school system, and in the meeting I broke down. My thoughts the past few days have been running a mile a minute.... and I feel like I can't stop thinking. I feel like I am back in that place when Kaylie was first diagnosed with all this. I knew surgery was going to be recommended.... but until it is actually told to you... I think you always have this small, inkling of hope. I know she needs this surgery. I know that is has a huge possibility of making her more comfortable.... but I am so scared!!! I sit here thinking what am I going to do when she is crying in the hospital bed, because she hurts, and there is nothing I can do but hold her. I worry that she will loose trust in me.... because I have always told her I will never let anything hurt her. I'm scared of the actual surgery and all the risks. I'm scared for my other two children.... and that they have a possibility of having this. I hate the fact that I go to bed at night, wake up and this whole ordeal is still here. I just need to find my strength again.... and continue fighting for her! Sorry... but I have told y'all all before... writing is my best release!
On other notes... My school. A lot has gone on since I dropped that A&P class. A lot of details I just don't want to go into. But... it all came down to me having to meet with the Support Services at school, and I had told them I didn't think I would be able to take the A&P class that I enrolled in for the Fall. But I was told they would suggest I think about taking the semester off... I told them I was interested in at least taking two classes... but they then really suggested the one. So after signing some papers that I will meet with them before the spring semester.... I will only be taking my Overview to Nursing class this fall. I was really upset when I left the school.... because I have worked so hard to get to where I was at in school. And believe me my kids will always come first.... it just hurts. I'm sure it is for the best... :/
I referred Kaylie to Make A Wish. They have to talk to the doctors first before deciding if they will grant her a wish, so we will see. I was thinking there really needs to be a wish grant type organization out there for parents!!! To grant relaxing vacations after you get over some of the medical hurdles... just for you and your spouse. Maybe I will start something like that. I will start thinking of some names! I am so grateful or Ben.... and how he has handled all this! Medical issues become a huge reason why spouses get divorces. When Kaylie was first diagnosed... on the way home in the car from that appointment.... I told him we had to make a promise to each other that we would NOT let this come between us. And we haven't! I think it has brought us closer. There are a couple moms from the groups I read, and their husbands have left them... all over this. I feel so bad for them, because I can't imagine facing this alone.
Well.... I am feeling a lot better now! And to the wonderful ladies that I saw today... sorry for all the water works!!! Just one of those days!