As you may have noticed I have been MIA since July! That's because at the time, which I will talk more about it later in this post, I came to the immediate realization that if I didn't make some changes in my life, things were going to continue to go downhill, quickly.
I first want to talk about Kaylie! She is almost 11 months post-op from her cervical fusion surgery (2 brain surgery)!!! I can't believe how fast it has gone by, and how well she is doing!!! Seriously… she is doing so well, that in January she received an award for attendance!! Yes, I said that right! She hasn't missed any days of school last semester! We can't believe it… she even checked to make sure they had the right "Kaylie"! LOL She got a cute purple & yellow star pin for it. And then, the perfect attendance shortly came to an end b/c she got strep, last week! But hey!, it wasn't due to a headache… and that's saying a lot coming from last year of 54+ days missed!!
Everyone else is doing really well, everyone loves school… The girls are looking forward to the annual Daddy/Daughter Dance this weekend. Mason & I will go grab ice cream or something.
So, I have talked in past posts that I have been going through a lot. I believe in one post, while we were in NY, I talked about how I had got sick one day. The truth of it all, is that I had a major panic attack while we were up there, in the hospital! This past surgery for Kaylie has probably been the most stressful time, ever since the beginning of dealing with all this stuff. Which is weird, b/c I knew what to expect, it wasn't like I was going into all of this blind or for the first time. But, there was a mood/depression… I'm not even sure what to call it, that I was going through. I was worried about that our insurance had changed somewhat, on top of it there was this whole heart issue we weren't sure was going on with her…. I just honestly didn't have a good feeling going into all of it. And not feelings over the doctor, or if the surgery was needed …. just everything else. Her recovery in the hospital was a lot slower than the first time…. and I think while we were there, it just all came crashing into a panic attack. Being sleep deprived doesn't help at all too!
When we finally got home, a few months later, I was still feeling bad… to the point it was physical. My hands, knees, hips, shoulders were in so much pain. I finally decided to go to the doctor. Between May & Sept. they ran a bunch of test on me, my Vit D came back severely deficient. I was put on a script for that, and it only brought it up to the "low" side. In Oct I was put on the script again, b/c it had dropped again. They will be checking it again soon, next week. During all this I had a hand MRI, which showed some concerns. Ended up at a Rheumatologist, and being dx with RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis). I'm now on a great treatment plan that is helping with all the joint pain & fatigue issues I have been having. I have talked to both my PCP & Rheum doc about all the stress with Kaylie's situation. They think that this last surgery with Kaylie is what triggered the RA to finally show up in me. I say that b/c I have had joint issues in the past… but in May, it just felt like everything came all on full force, and with the Vit D situation, that didn't help. They both talked to me about seeking professional help dealing with all the stress. I told them I was already in the process of removing things from my plate, and figuring out how to help myself. I knew that this could not go on any longer… I wasn't in a good place. Back in May/June I officially removed myself as the OK ASAP Support Group Leader. I was no longer doing support groups. Then I really focused on what was causing all the stress…. I think the word "Chiari" was probably 75% of my stress. It was stress about my daughter, the support groups, the groups on FB I was involved in, the patients I worried about, the future of this condition for Kaylie and my family in general. I felt like every single day the word "Chiari" was spoke or thought about…. I felt like it was controlling my life, our life. And that wasn't who we were. I didn't want it to define us any longer. I wanted to go one day without Chiari being talked about or even said. I had told my doctors by the end of the summer if things weren't just a little better, I would take their advice. But I knew I could get all this under control on my own. I knew, I WAS capable of that. But how?? I had already ended the support groups, it was time to remove myself from more. I decided to remove myself from every single Chiari group on Facebook. I literally don't belong to ANY of them!! That was big! I believe they are great…. but I didn't need them anymore. I then deleted about 200 people from my friends list on FB. Some may not even know it happened, some may have taken it personal, but most of them were just people added to the list, b/c they had chiari. I didn't talk to them, I didn't know them… and I didn't need them on there. I kept several, the ones I have met in person, become close to over messages… the ones that there was a bond. I then removed a lot of chiari crap from my computer, the countless articles I saved, published researches, pictures, and inspirational sayings.
I have stopped over committing myself… and this is one I work on daily! I even call Ben or my best friend Sabrina and run things by them to see if I should start or go do some idea I have. I needed another person to tell me, "You don't have to do that… someone else can!"
Then there was this blog. I just stopped. In the past 7 months, I have teetered back in forth on deleting the blog. Will I ever write again, or just leave it up as is, indefinitely.
I had gotten back into art, doing the things I love to do. Creating things… I'm not sure if I have even ever talked about that side of me, the artist side. I have taught myself to let go of the future… the "it will be great when this happens, or we get this done" thinking. We bought our home 2 years ago, not only b/c we loved it, but we knew it would be a great home to entertain in! We have never entertained! That's my fault, as a perfectionist (which causes me to stress) I have felt we can't until the house was done… but there are so many projects that need to be done. But over this 7 months, I have realized… who cares! Who cares if I have black cabinets that are painted wrong from the previous home owner, who knows when the kitchen will be redone! Who cares, that I still need to paint the molding trim at the top of our hallways & entryway…. I will get it done one day. Who cares that we have several doors that need to be replaced… we can't afford it all to get done at once! So, why am I waiting to live "LIFE" in my house??? We aren't, anymore…. we/I am living for today, right now… not in the future, not when the girl's bathroom gets redone, but right now…. before the years pass us by!
I had a small little Christmas Party for the girls and a few of their close friends (Baby Steps)! It was fantastic! They had a lot of fun… and I didn't stress once. It felt so good to enjoy the fun of letting go. We are planning this Monster of a Halloween party for next year! … yes, I know… but I'm a huge planner, and at that… my art gets to come out in it all! We have wanted to do this for a very long time….
That evening I got an email from the mom, thanking me for the info. She had read some of Kay's blog, which had helped her emotionally. That's when I knew… the blog needed to stay. And I should still write. Because there is a lot of Chiari moms going through the same things, just like me…. that we all hide from the rest of the world.
The next day, I met the mom for coffee. It felt good, even like old times… the "good" feeling of helping someone. Leaving there I immediately called my husband telling him I was going to start the support groups back up…. he was busy, said he would call me back. I called Sabrina, and thank god, she gave me the reality check I needed. Her & I are a lot alike … she is a patient of her own chronic illness, we both constantly over commit ourselves…
She told me no, don't! That I was doing so much better, why would I slip back into the old routine. I didn't need to give that much of myself to this condition. My blog was enough. My "enough" is the few patients here and there that are given my number, my information or through this blog that I help. I don't "need" to do everything for chiari. And she is right! I needed to hear that.
So this past weekend, as you may see … I have changed some things on Kay's blog, add things I have been meaning to add in the past year… lots of updating. Along with the promise to continue to blog, and take care of myself, one day at a time!
Monday, February 1, 2016
Finding Happiness Again...
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Amber thank you for sharing. This is something I am sure many mother experience but may not have the courage to admit.ReplyDelete